CovenantRoad

Tag: men’s struggles

  • Brotherhood as the Missing Rite of Passage

    Some men were initiated into manhood. Most of us weren’t.

    We never had that moment—the one that said, You are a man now. Step into it. We just kept moving forward, hoping that at some point, it would click.

    But it never really did.

    The world tells us that manhood just happens when we turn 18, or when we hit certain milestones—first job, first car, marriage, fatherhood. But deep down, we know that’s not how it works.

    We don’t need another achievement to feel like men. We need other men to call us forward. And more than that—we need Christ to define us first.

    Brotherhood Restores What Was Lost

    The ancient rites of passage weren’t just about a challenge—they were about witnesses. Older men stood around the younger and said, We see you. You have passed the test. You are one of us now.

    That’s what covenant brotherhood does.

    • It doesn’t leave a man to figure it out alone. It calls him up—through challenge, truth, and trust.

    • It doesn’t measure him by worldly standards. It confirms what God already placed in him.

    • It doesn’t let him sit in doubt. It names him as a man and holds him accountable to live as one.

    But even brotherhood is incomplete without the One who created it.

    Christ is the True Initiator

    Before any man can call us forward, before we can walk in covenant with our brothers, we need to hear it from God Himself.

    “You are my son.”

    “You belong to Me.”

    “Your manhood is not fragile—it is rooted in Me.”

    Christ is the One who restores what was lost. But He doesn’t do it in isolation—He places us in brotherhood, because manhood was never meant to be lived alone.

    It’s Not Too Late

    Brotherhood is the road back to initiation. It’s not about recreating old rituals—it’s about stepping into a circle of men who won’t let you drift, won’t let you doubt, and won’t let you stay passive.

    It’s about walking with men who challenge you, not to prove yourself, but because they already see the man God made you to be.

    And once you have that? You do the same for another. Because manhood isn’t just about being called up. It’s about calling others up too.

  • When Do You Become a Man?

    There was a time when a boy knew when he became a man.

    He didn’t have to wonder. There was a moment—whether through trial, initiation, or the voice of older men—when it was spoken over him. You are a man now. Step into it.

    Now? Most men never hear those words. They just drift into adulthood, hoping that one day they’ll feel different, but they never do.

    We’ve lost something vital.

    Manhood Was Never Meant to Be a Guessing Game

    In most cultures throughout history, men didn’t just stumble into manhood—they were called into it. Sometimes it was through a test of endurance, sometimes a sacred ritual, sometimes a hard-earned responsibility. But whatever it was, it left no doubt:

    The boy was gone. The man had stepped forward.

    But today? There’s no clear line. No defining moment. Boys grow older, but they don’t become men—they just age into them.

    And the result? A generation of men who feel like they’re still waiting for permission to become what they were made to be.

    Without Initiation, Men Drift

    • Some chase achievement, hoping that success will finally make them feel like men.

    • Some chase women, thinking masculinity is proven through conquest.

    • Some stay passive, unsure, never stepping up because no one ever told them they were ready.

    Deep down, every man wants to know he is one. But no one tells him. No one confirms it. So he keeps waiting.

    It’s Not Too Late to Step In

    Brother, if you never had that moment—if no one ever called you up—you are not stuck. You don’t have to keep drifting, waiting for someone to hand you manhood like a diploma.

    Here’s the truth:

    • God has already named you a man. He created you as one. You don’t need to prove it—you need to step into it.

    • Manhood isn’t given in isolation. Other men confirm it. That’s why covenant brotherhood matters. You need men who will say, Brother, you belong. We see you. Walk in it.

    • You may not have had a rite of passage—but you can mark the moment now. Maybe it’s a challenge, a commitment, a moment before God where you declare, No more waiting. No more drifting. I will walk in who I am.

    Manhood Is Meant to Be Stepped Into

    You were never meant to spend your life wondering if you are a man. If no one ever told you—hear it now:

    You are a man. God made you one. Step into it.

    And if you’ve already walked this road? Then look behind you. There’s a younger brother who is still waiting to hear what no one ever told him. Call him up. Show him the way.

    Because manhood isn’t just about becoming. It’s about calling others forward.

  • Campfire Reflection

    The fire crackled softly, sending gentle waves of warmth across the clearing. The sky above was moonless, filled with stars that shimmered like scattered jewels. James and Luke sat on either side of the flames, their faces flickering in the shifting light. Around them, the quiet of the night felt sacred, wrapping them in stillness. It was their favorite kind of moment—time carved out for rest, reflection, and the kind of conversation that came naturally now, after years of sharing their lives with one another.

    James stirred the fire with a stick, sending sparks dancing upward. “Remember that first retreat?” he asked, his voice contemplative. “When we sat by the fire and talked about who we were trying to be—what it meant to be a man?”

    Luke gave a slow nod, a faint smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “Yeah. Feels like a lifetime ago. We were both carrying so much back then, weren’t we?”

    James leaned back against a log, exhaling deeply. “Still are, in some ways. But I think… I think some of that shame isn’t as heavy anymore. At least, not in the same way.”

    Luke tilted his head, his blue eyes reflecting the firelight. “Yeah. I hear you. I used to feel like I was drowning in it. I thought I had to fight those feelings alone—pretend they didn’t exist. And when I couldn’t, the shame just kept piling on. Especially after my marriage ended. I thought I was a failure as a man and as a Christian.”

    James nodded slowly. “I carried that same shame for years. Especially when it came to my attraction to other men. It was like this deep, unrelenting fear that something was fundamentally broken inside me—that I’d never be enough.”

    Luke’s gaze softened, his expression understanding. “I know. And I remember how hard it was for you to even say those words out loud. But now… here you are, saying it with peace in your voice. That’s God’s work, man.”

    James smiled faintly. “Yeah, He’s done a lot. I’m still learning to trust that I’m seen through His eyes, not through the lens of my past. I used to think God saw me the way I saw myself—ashamed, afraid, disconnected. But slowly, He’s been undoing those lies.”

    Luke poked at the fire with a long branch, sending embers flaring. “Same here. For a long time, I felt like intimacy—real intimacy—was something I’d never have. Not with anyone. I’d built so many walls, even with you at first.”

    “I remember,” James said quietly. “But those walls are coming down. Little by little.”

    Luke chuckled softly. “It’s funny, isn’t it? The world has all these boxes for what relationships are supposed to look like—friendship, romance, family. But what we have… it doesn’t fit any of that neatly. And that used to scare me. But now? I don’t care how the world sees it. I know what this is.”

    “Same here,” James agreed. He leaned forward, the firelight illuminating the quiet conviction in his eyes. “We’ve built something sacred. A covenant, in every way that matters. It’s not always easy, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

    Luke nodded slowly. “It’s like… Jonathan and David, right? The kind of bond where you know, deep down, God brought you together for a purpose. There’s a depth to it that can’t really be explained.”

    “Exactly,” James said with a soft smile. “We’ve been through the fire, and it’s refined us—not broken us. That’s a testament to grace.”

    They sat in companionable silence for a while, the fire crackling softly between them. The warmth of their brotherhood, their shared story, filled the quiet space. James stretched his legs out, letting out a contented sigh.

    “You ever think about how different life would be if we hadn’t met at that retreat?” he asked.

    Luke shook his head. “I try not to. Because honestly? I don’t think I’d have made it through some of the things I’ve faced since then without you. God knew what He was doing when He brought us together.”

    “Yeah,” James murmured, his voice full of quiet gratitude. “He really did.”

    Luke glanced over at him, a faint grin on his face. “So… think we’ll ever fully ‘arrive’? You know, figure it all out?”

    James laughed softly. “Probably not. But maybe that’s the point. We don’t have to have it all figured out. We just have to keep trusting, keep walking the path.”

    “Together,” Luke added, his voice steady.

    “Together,” James echoed.

    They watched the fire slowly die down, the flames shrinking into glowing embers. The night around them deepened, but neither of them felt the weight of loneliness anymore. They had learned to carry their burdens—and each other—with grace.

    As the fire faded to soft, pulsing coals, James leaned back once more and gazed at the stars. Luke remained close, their shared silence a reflection of the peace that had taken root in both of their souls.

    This was brotherhood. This was healing. This was enough.

    (Chapter from a longer story about James and Luke, first story in a trilogy about these two characters. Contact me if you’d like to read the full story.)

  • Giving the Wound to Christ

    Brother, if you’ve seen the wound, named the lie, and know the truth in your head—but still feel the weight of it—this is for you.

    It’s one thing to recognize the wound. It’s another to give it to Christ and let Him redeem it. But what does that actually look like?

    Here’s where it starts:

    1. Stop Trying to Fix It Yourself

    We’ve spent years trying to prove our masculinity—trying to overcome the wound by being “man enough.” But healing doesn’t come through striving. It comes through surrender.

    That means admitting:

    “Lord, I can’t fix this. I’ve believed lies about myself for years, and I need You to replace them with truth.”

    That alone is hard. Because it means trusting His definition of us more than our own feelings, memories, or past experiences.

    2. Bring the Wound Into the Light

    Wounds fester in silence. The enemy wants you to keep it locked inside, to believe it’s just your burden to bear. But when you name it before God—when you bring it to a trusted brother, even—something shifts.

    When Jesus healed, He often asked, “What do you want Me to do for you?” Not because He didn’t know, but because naming it was part of the healing.

    So we bring it into the light:

    “Lord, I have believed I am less of a man. I have felt like I don’t belong. I give this to You—show me the truth.”

    And then, we listen. We let Him speak into it.

    3. Let God Redefine You Through Brotherhood

    Christ redeems our wounds, but He often does it through the hands and words of our brothers.

    When a brother sees you, challenges you, calls you his equal—not out of pity, but because he sees the man God made you to be—that’s healing in motion.

    You don’t become a man by proving yourself. You are a man because God made you one. The more you walk in real covenant, the more that truth sinks in.

    4. Walk in the Truth Before You Fully Feel It

    Here’s the hard part—choosing to believe what God says about you, even before your emotions catch up.

    That means when the old wound whispers, You don’t belong, you answer, That’s a lie. I am a son.

    When you feel like you’re on the outside looking in, you step in anyway. When brotherhood feels like something other men get, you stand in it as your birthright.

    Truth isn’t a feeling. It’s reality. And when we choose to walk in it, the wounds that once defined us start to fade.

    Brother, you don’t have to carry this alone. Christ is already in the work of redeeming it. You just have to give it to Him—again and again, until His truth is more real than the lies ever were.

    And He will finish what He started.

  • The Lie That Steals Sonship

    Brother, let’s talk about the wound most men don’t even realize they have. The one that starts early—so early, you can’t remember a time before it.

    Maybe it wasn’t a single moment, but a slow drift. Maybe it was a father who was there but distant, a brother who overshadowed you, a world that told you—subtly, persistently—you weren’t quite like the other boys.

    And then, the lie crept in:

    You don’t belong.

    You’re different.

    You’re not really a man.

    It wasn’t just about interests or personality. It was deeper. A gnawing sense that you missed something vital, that masculinity was something other men had—something you could admire, even long for, but never fully claim as your own.

    And for some of us, that’s where same-sex struggles first took root. Not as a choice, not as rebellion, but as a search for something we felt we lacked. The strength, the confidence, the belonging we thought we weren’t given. And because the world only knows how to frame male longing in sexual terms, that ache got twisted before we even knew what was happening.

    The enemy planted a lie in our boyhood, then spent years reinforcing it:

    You’ll never be one of them. You’re not enough. You’re something else.

    But brother, hear this: the enemy is a liar.

    God did not make a mistake when He made you a man. You are not an outsider to your own design. You are not less of a man because you don’t fit some narrow mold of strength or skill or stature.

    Masculinity is not about muscles or sports or how deep your voice is. It’s not something you earn. It’s something you are.

    You were born a son. Not half a son. Not a different kind of son. A son.

    The wound is real, but so is the healing. And it starts with rejecting the lie and stepping into the truth that was alwaysyours.

    You belong.

    You are enough.

    You are a man.

    Because God says so.

  • Covenant as Spiritual Warfare

    The enemy hates brotherhood.

    He always has.

    Because when men stand alone, they’re easy targets. But when they stand together—really together, in truth and covenant—the enemy has no foothold.

    This fight isn’t just personal. It’s not just about temptation, addiction, or loneliness. It’s about war. And the battlefield is littered with men who never knew they were even in a fight.

    The Enemy’s Strategy: Isolate, Twist, and Distort

    From the beginning, the enemy’s tactics haven’t changed.

    1. He isolates—makes a man feel like he’s the only one who struggles, the only one who feels this way, the only one who doesn’t belong. Isolation is his first and strongest weapon, because a man cut off from real brotherhood is already half-defeated.

    2. He twists—takes something good and bends it. The longing for brotherhood becomes sexualized. The hunger for affirmation becomes codependency. The need for strength turns into pride, or worse, passivity.

    3. He distorts—redefines manhood into something either unattainable or meaningless. Either you’re not enough of a man, or being a man doesn’t even matter. Either way, the result is the same: confusion, doubt, weakness.

    And the worst part? He convinces men that this is just how it is. That there’s no way back. That no one else sees the battle.

    But that’s a lie.

    Brotherhood is a Weapon

    Covenant brotherhood isn’t just nice to have—it’s a weapon forged for war. It defends, it strengthens, it breaks chains.

    • When a brother is isolated, covenant pulls him back. “You’re not alone. I see you. I stand with you.”

    • When a brother believes lies, covenant speaks truth. “That’s not who you are. This is who God says you are.”

    • When a brother is weak, covenant holds him up. “Lean on me. I’ll fight with you until you can fight for yourself.”

    This is why the enemy fights so hard to destroy male friendships, to make brotherhood uncomfortable, to make men second-guess their closeness with each other. Because when men walk in true covenant, chains break. Strongholds fall. And hell loses ground.

    The War is Won Together

    Brother, you were never meant to fight alone. The battles you’ve faced—whether against addiction, fear, loneliness, shame—were never meant to be yours to carry by yourself.

    And the men around you? They’re in the fight too. Some of them just don’t know it yet.

    So if you have covenant brothers, hold them close. If you don’t, find them. Because this isn’t just about friendship—it’s about survival.

    And in the end, when the dust settles, it won’t be the lone warriors still standing.

    It’ll be the men who stood together.

  • Truth Reflected

    The water was cool against the afternoon heat, rippling against their shoulders as they treaded side by side. Sunlight flickered off the surface, dappling their skin in shifting gold.

    Nathan ran a hand through his wet hair, glancing at Caleb. The guy looked like he belonged in the water—broad shoulders, solid frame, the kind of build that made everything look effortless. Nathan, leaner, wiry, felt like a reed next to a stone.

    They had swum out far enough that the shore was just a blur of trees and rocks. No one else was around. Just them, the lake, the sky stretching endless above.

    “I don’t know if I’ll ever shake it,” Nathan said finally, kicking slow beneath the water.

    “Shake what?” Caleb asked.

    Nathan exhaled. “The feeling that I missed something. That I was wired wrong from the start.” He looked down, watching the water ripple around him. “I see guys like you and I think—that’s what a man is supposed to be.”

    Caleb laughed softly. “Like what?”

    Nathan gestured vaguely. “You know. Strong. Built for it. Like it just fits on you.”

    Caleb floated on his back, staring at the sky. “You think muscle makes a man?”

    “No.” Nathan hesitated. “Not exactly. It’s not just that. It’s… I don’t know. It’s like you move through the world like you belong to it. Like you’ve never had to second-guess who you are.”

    Caleb let the silence settle between them before rolling back upright. “You ever notice how trees grow?”

    Nathan frowned. “What?”

    “Some grow thick, some grow tall. Some are knotted, some straight. You don’t see a pine tree looking at an oak, wondering if it should be broader. Or an oak looking at a pine, wishing it was taller.” He met Nathan’s gaze. “But they’re both trees. They both stand.”

    Nathan was quiet.

    Caleb ran a hand through the water. “You weren’t wired wrong. You weren’t meant to be me, or anyone else. You were meant to be you. A man, as God made you. Period.”

    Nathan swallowed, something in his chest tightening—not in pain, exactly, but in recognition.

    “You think you missed something,” Caleb said, “but maybe you just haven’t recognized what’s been in you all along.”

    The water lapped between them. Nathan didn’t answer right away. But he felt the weight of Caleb’s words sink deep, settling in places that had never quite known peace.

  • The Woodshop

    Nathan wasn’t sure why he agreed to come. He wasn’t a woodshop guy. Never had been. But Caleb had invited him, and he didn’t have a good reason to say no.

    The shop smelled like sawdust and oil, the kind of scent that lingered in clothes long after you left. Nathan hovered near the door, hands in his pockets, watching Caleb move around like he belonged there.

    “You just gonna stand there, or you gonna help?” Caleb shot him a look over his shoulder.

    Nathan smirked but didn’t move. “Not really my thing.”

    Caleb raised a brow, picking up a rough-cut slab of oak. “Sanding wood’s too big a stretch for you?”

    “I don’t know.” Nathan shifted, glancing at the workbench. “Just never did much of it.”

    Caleb grabbed a rough plank, running his fingers over the grain. “Nothing to it. You just sand down the rough edges ‘til you get something smooth. Wanna give it a shot?”

    Nathan hesitated—then stepped up. Took it—pressed it to the wood. First strokes were clumsy—grit catching awkward under his hand. He wasn’t sure he was doing it right—kept his eyes down.

    “My dad had a shop like this,” he said, voice slipping out quiet, almost lost in the scrape. “Used to sit on a stool in the corner—watch him work.”

    Caleb nodded—steady, listening. “He let you lend a hand?”

    Nathan let out a short laugh—sharp, no warmth. “Nah.”

    Caleb glanced up—caught the edge in it. “How come?”

    Nathan shrugged—kept sanding. “Didn’t trust me with his tools, I guess.” A beat—wood dust curling under his fingers. “Or maybe I wasn’t the son he figured on.”

    Caleb set down his sander, dusting off his hands. “What kind of son was that?”

    Nathan exhaled—eyes locked on the plank. “The kind who’d rather be in the kitchen with Mom than out here with him.” He laughed again—soft, thin—didn’t reach his eyes. “My brother got the ‘man stuff.’ Me? I got… I don’t know. Told I was different.”

    Caleb watched him—quiet for a stretch—then nodded at the wood in Nathan’s hands. “You know what makes oak tough?”

    Nathan looked up—caught Caleb’s steady gaze. “What?”

    “The grain.” Caleb ran his fingers along the plank’s surface. “It’s not straight and clean. It twists, knots up in places, even looks weak sometimes. But that’s what gives it strength. It holds.” He tapped the wood. “This is solid. Even with the knots.”

    Nathan stared at the grain beneath his fingertips, something catching in his chest that he wasn’t ready to name.

    “You’re not weak, brother,” Caleb said, quieter now. “Just because you weren’t a copy of your dad or your brother doesn’t mean you weren’t meant to stand strong. Maybe your grain’s just different.”

    Nathan swallowed, looking down. The wood dusted away beneath his hands, the surface smoothing. But some knots stayed, no matter how much he worked at them.

    Maybe that was alright.

  • Ethan’s Testimony: A Love That Holds The Line

    I spent most of my life looking for love in the wrong places. I didn’t think they were wrong at the time—I thought I was just following what came natural. What the world told me was me.

    But the thing about chasing something to fill the emptiness is that, sooner or later, you start to realize it’s not working. And that’s where I was when I met Ted—running, restless, tired of trying to fit into a mold that never felt right, but scared to admit I had no idea who I was without it.

    At first, I didn’t know what to make of him. A steady, no-nonsense Southern guy who didn’t say much unless it mattered. I wasn’t looking for a mentor. Definitely wasn’t looking for a friend. But somehow, without either of us meaning to, we ended up with something bigger.

    Covenant.

    I didn’t even know what that word meant outside of a church setting. And let’s be real, I wasn’t sure I wanted anything to do with church. But Ted never shoved faith down my throat. He just lived it, breathed it, showed me something real. And somewhere along the way, I stopped fighting it.

    I stopped fighting him, too.

    Because what we have? It’s not friendship in the way the world understands it. It’s deeper than that. It’s the kind of bond that holds the line when everything else pulls.

    People don’t get it. They assume things. Or they try to box it into categories that don’t fit. But the truth is, I spent my whole life thinking love had to look a certain way, had to be a certain way. And I was wrong.

    Love is a man standing beside you when the past comes knocking. It’s knowing that no matter what hits, you’re not standing alone.

    It’s a love that doesn’t ask for anything but gives everything.

    It’s what Ted and I chose.

    And I don’t care who doesn’t understand it.

    Because I know, now, that I wasn’t made to chase. I was made to stand.

    And I’m not standing alone.

    (Fictional testimony from a character in the Ethan and Ted series, contact me if you’d like to read these stories)

  • Ted’s Testimony: A Bond That Holds

    I’ve lived long enough to know that most folks don’t understand the kind of bond Ethan and I have. And I don’t blame ‘em. The world’s lost the language for it.

    Men don’t talk like this much anymore—not about love, not about needing each other. We’re supposed to be independent, self-sufficient. Even in the church, we talk a lot about brotherhood, but we keep it at arm’s length. Nothing too deep, nothing too close.

    I thought I’d made peace with that. I had my wife. My family. When she passed, I figured that part of my life was over. Love like that—covenant love—belonged to marriage, and anything else was just friendship, good but not the same. I settled into singleness, into faith, into the quiet. And then Ethan showed up.

    I didn’t expect him to matter to me. Not the way he does now. At first, I was just helping him find his footing. But somewhere along the way, God did something I wasn’t looking for. He gave me a brother.

    I don’t mean a friend, though Lord knows he’s that too. I mean someone who’s bound to me in a way I can’t shake, don’t want to shake. Someone I’d go to war for. Someone I carry in my prayers every night, not because I feel obligated, but because his burdens are mine now. Because I love him.

    Yeah, I said it. Love.

    That word gets twisted up these days. Either it means romance, or it’s watered down ‘til it don’t mean much at all. But what Ethan and I have—what we chose—it’s the kind of love that Christ calls us to. The kind that says, I’m not leaving. I’m standing with you, come what may.

    And it ain’t always easy. We’re different. He’s restless where I’m steady. He overthinks what I take on faith. And we’ve had our moments where the past—the broken, tangled parts of us—tried to twist what God was building. But grace holds. We hold.

    Covenant ain’t something you stumble into. It’s something you choose.

    Ethan chose me, and I chose him. Not because we needed saving, but because we needed keeping.

    And I thank God every day that He saw fit to give me a brother before I left this earth.

    (Fictional testimony from a character in the Ethan and Ted series, contact me if you’d like to read these stories)

  • When the Old Wiring Flickers

    Brother, let’s talk about it.

    You’re walking this road—committed to Christ, to covenant, to keeping love pure. You’ve left behind the old ways, the old habits, the old traps. But then it happens.

    A moment. A flicker. A hum deep in your chest, or lower.

    Not lust, not a craving to sin—just… something. That old wiring sparking, the way your mind was trained to read closeness, the echoes of a world that twisted brotherhood into something else.

    Maybe it’s a laugh that lands just right. Maybe it’s the way trust feels too good because you’ve only ever known it with strings attached. Maybe it’s just the simple weight of being seen, known, cared for by another man—and your soul, even your flesh, shaped by old missteps, isn’t quite sure how to hold it steady.

    And the enemy? He’s quick to whisper:
    See? You haven’t changed. This is who you are. You’re just fighting the inevitable.

    Lies. All of it.

    The hum isn’t sin. The flicker isn’t failure. It’s just a sign that you’re still learning, still unlearning, still handing the deepest parts of your heart over to God.

    What matters is what you do next.

    How Covenant Brothers Handle It

    You name it. You don’t pretend it’s not there, don’t shove it down in shame. You look it in the eye and say, “That’s just old wiring, not truth.”

    You pray through it. Right there, in the moment. Simple, direct—“Lord, I feel this. I give it to You. Make it holy.”

    You trust your brother. Don’t panic, don’t pull back, don’t let the enemy make you feel like you need to run. If he’s a true covenant brother, he gets it. And if he feels it too? You both hold the line together. No fear, no weirdness—just honesty, accountability, and Christ at the center.

    You let God rewire you. Every time you choose faith over fear, truth over temptation, God is retraining your heart. Teaching you what real brotherhood looks like—strong, committed, untwisted by sin.

    Brotherhood Is Stronger Than the Hum

    Brother, the world tells you the hum means you’re bound to fall. That deep male love always has to turn into something else. That you can’t trust yourself, or your brothers, or even God to hold you steady.

    But that’s a lie.

    You are not a slave to your past. You are not at the mercy of every flicker, every spark. You are free. And covenant brotherhood? It’s not fragile. It’s not some tightrope you have to walk carefully, scared of slipping. It’s strong, forged in Christ, able to hold even the weight of old wounds and old wiring.

    So next time that hum rises up? Take a breath. Name it. Pray through it. Trust your brother. And keep moving forward.

    You are not alone in this. And you are not falling.

    -You’re just learning what it means to love deep—without fear.

  • When God Rewires the Heart

    I used to think this would never change.

    The hum, the way closeness stirred something low—like an instinct I couldn’t unlearn. I’d sit in the tension, knowing what I wanted was good, but feeling it tangled up with something that wasn’t.

    Brotherhood was supposed to be simple. So why didn’t it feel that way?

    At first, I did what most men do—I either fed it or feared it. Either way, it had power over me. Either way, I felt like I was losing.

    But God doesn’t just call us away from something—He calls us toward something better. And over time, I started to see it.

    The rewiring wasn’t about flipping a switch. It was slow. Quiet. Subtle at first, almost unnoticeable.

    It looked like realizing I could feel the hum and not have to do anything about it. That I didn’t have to follow through, even in my own mind.

    It looked like trust growing—trust in my brothers, trust in myself, trust in God most of all. Trust that He was holding me steady, that I wasn’t walking a tightrope, one wrong step from falling. That He wasn’t just calling me to resist, but to heal.

    It looked like the old hunger changing, softening—not disappearing overnight, but shifting, little by little, until one day I noticed:

    I don’t feel this the same way anymore.

    The hum still comes sometimes, but it’s different now. It doesn’t shake me. It doesn’t whisper lies. It’s just a feeling, passing like a wave, while something stronger stands firm underneath.

    Brotherhood isn’t fragile. Love between men isn’t dangerous. It’s holy when it’s in Christ.

    And maybe the rewiring is just God teaching me to finally believe that.

  • Brotherhood Isn’t Made—It’s Found

    It’s easy to think brotherhood is something we have to build from scratch. Like it’s some rare, fragile thing that has to be carefully constructed, held together by effort and good intentions.

    But that’s not the truth.

    Brotherhood isn’t something we create—it’s something we recognize. Something we step into. It’s already there, woven into the design of manhood by the One who made us.

    Think about it—before you ever longed for a brother to walk with, God had already set the pattern. David and Jonathan didn’t invent their bond. Jesus didn’t assemble His disciples like a team-building exercise. Paul and Timothy didn’t force their connection.

    God wrote brotherhood into the foundation of how men are meant to live. The only reason it feels rare today is because we’ve ignored it, let it atrophy, or bought the lie that men are meant to go at it alone.

    But look at how men naturally operate. We bond through shared struggle, through battle, through standing shoulder to shoulder with someone who gets it. That’s not just culture—that’s creation. Brotherhood was always meant to be a cornerstone of our lives, not a side note.

    So what’s the move?

    If brotherhood is already there, waiting, then our job isn’t to “make it happen.” Our job is to open our eyes. To recognize when God is putting a brother in our path. To step into the covenant He’s already laid before us. To stop treating deep, Christ-centered friendships like a bonus and start living like they’re essential.

    Brother, you don’t have to force this. You just have to show up. The Author has already written it—now it’s time to walk it out.

  • Iron Sharpens Iron

    Why do men need each other?

    I think it comes down to three things: how we strengthen, how we understand, and how we walk together.

    1. Strength Through Struggle

    Men forge each other through resistance. Women nurture, and that’s a gift, but men? We test, challenge, push. We’re built to sharpen one another, not by coddling but by contending. You see it in the way brothers wrestle as kids, in the way soldiers bond in battle, in the way accountability between men works best when it’s direct—no sugarcoating, no sidestepping.

    A good brother in Christ won’t just encourage you—he’ll call you out, push you past your limits, and refuse to let you settle. He’ll see your potential and demand more, because he knows that strength isn’t just given, it’s forged.

    2. The Unspoken Understanding

    Men don’t have to explain everything to each other. We get it. The weight of responsibility, the pressure to lead, the fight against sin and self-doubt—it’s built into us, and another man knows that struggle without needing a thousand words.

    That’s why men bond through doing—through work, through hardship, through side-by-side silence. We don’t always need to process verbally; sometimes we just need another man who understands the fight and stands next to us in it.

    3. Walking the Narrow Road Together

    A good wife can be a partner, but she can’t be a brother. A woman can love, support, and respect a man, but she can’t be him—can’t reflect back to him the exact nature of his struggle. That’s why brotherhood is necessary, even for men who are happily married. Because some battles require men beside you, not just a woman behind you.

    Jesus surrounded Himself with brothers. David found strength in Jonathan. Paul didn’t walk alone. If these men of God needed brotherhood, what makes us think we don’t?

    Brotherhood isn’t just a good idea—it’s part of God’s design. And in a world that wants men to go at it alone, covenant is the answer.

  • Alone in a Crowded World

    Brother, let’s be real. You feel it. The weight. The quiet. That hollow space inside you that nothing seems to fill.

    Maybe you don’t call it loneliness. Maybe you just say you’re tired, busy, not in the mood to talk. But deep down, you know. You scroll, you distract, you keep moving—but when the noise dies down, it’s just you. And it’s not enough.

    God didn’t design you to walk this life alone.

    He made you for connection. Not just casual friendships, not just Sunday morning acquaintances, but real, deep, unshakable brotherhood. The kind where a man sees you, really sees you, and doesn’t flinch. Where you can be honest—about your struggles, your doubts, your sins—and instead of turning away, your brother stands firm.

    That’s what Christian brotherhood does. It brings God’s love to life.

    We know God is with us. We know He never leaves us. But sometimes, in the thick of it, we need that truth to be flesh and blood. We need a brother who says, “You’re not carrying this alone. I’m with you. God is with you.” A brother who reminds us of grace when we forget, who speaks truth when the enemy’s lies are loud, who lifts us up when we stumble.

    Jesus didn’t walk alone. He surrounded Himself with men He called brothers. He built a bond so strong that when Peter fell, Jesus restored him. So why do we act like we’re supposed to do this on our own?

    The world offers cheap substitutes for belonging. More apps, more distractions, more ways to stay “connected” without ever actually being known. But covenant brotherhood? It’s God’s answer to that ache inside you.

    So what do you do?

    You lean in. You ask God for the kind of brothers who will fight for you in prayer, who will call you to holiness, who will walk with you no matter what. And you be that brother for someone else. Because, brother, you are not meant to be alone.

    And in Christ, you never are.

  • Brotherhood Over Everything

    (Scene: Jason and Eli sit in Jason’s beat-up Honda outside a gas station. Jason’s slumped in the driver’s seat, staring at his hands like they’ve let him down. Eli’s sprawled in the passenger seat, sipping a cherry Slurpee like the world’s all good.)

    Jason: “Dude. I think I’m broken.”

    Eli: (deadpan) “Yeah, I could’ve called that back when you thought that mullet was a good idea in tenth grade.”

    Jason: (gives him a look) “Not like that, idiot. I mean… I don’t fit anywhere. Like, Christians think I’m sus, and the world thinks I’m repressed. Feels like no matter what I do, I’m gonna disappoint someone.”

    Eli: “So stop trying to fit into their boxes.” (slurps loudly)

    Jason: (groans) “That’s not helpful.”

    Eli: “No, really. You act like you’ve only got two choices: be fake, or give in. What if neither of those is what God actually wants for you?”

    Jason: (leans back, stares at the roof) “Yeah? So what does He want? Me to be single forever and just, like… die alone?”

    Eli: (snorts) “Wow. Dramatic. No, bro. He wants you to stop thinking love only counts if it’s romantic. You ever notice how Jesus had deep friendships? How David and Jonathan were tight? You think they were just… kinda friends? No, man. That was brotherhood. Covenant. Ride-or-die kinda love.”

    Jason: (softly) “I want that. I just don’t know how to get it.”

    Eli: “You don’t ‘get it.’ You build it. You find the right people, and you show up. You put in the work. You let yourself need people, which I know is hard for you, Mr. I-Don’t-Do-Feelings.”

    Jason: (half-smirks) “Shut up.”

    Eli: “I’m serious, Jase—you’re not messed up. You’re wired for something deep. The world’s just twisted how we see it. God? He’s all about brotherhood—designed it that way. Stop chasing the cheap stuff—hookups, whatever. That’s not you.”

    (Jason exhales, nods. The weight in his chest feels a little lighter. Eli, sensing the moment has gone too deep for too long, slurps obnoxiously again.)

    Jason: (rolling his eyes) “I hate you.”

    Eli: (grinning) “Nah, you love me. Brother.”

    They sat there—the car creaking under them—gas station lights buzzing faint—a quiet hum settling in. Jason didn’t have it all sorted—but for once, that didn’t feel like a dead end.

  • When a Curse Becomes a Gift

    Brother, I know what it feels like to see your same-sex attraction as a burden. A struggle. A thing you have to wrestle down and keep in check. Maybe you’ve spent nights asking God why. Why this? Why me? If He loves me, why would He let me feel something I can’t act on?

    I get it. But what if I told you that the very thing you’ve spent years seeing as a curse might actually be a gift?

    Not a gift in the way the world wants to spin it—not a license to chase what feels natural. But a gift in the way God so often works, taking what the enemy meant for evil and using it for His glory.

    Think about it: in a culture where men have been conditioned to keep each other at arm’s length, to fear closeness, to settle for surface-level friendships, what if God has placed in you a unique capacity to love your brothers deeply? To show them what covenant brotherhood actually looks like?

    The world has largely forgotten the kind of love that David and Jonathan had, the kind that Jesus Himself had with His disciples. We have replaced it with isolation, shallow camaraderie, or counterfeit intimacy. But perhaps, in His wisdom, God has allowed some of us to feel this longing more acutely—not to torment us, but to call us to something greater.

    Same-sex attraction, when surrendered to Christ, can be the very thing that teaches us how to love as He does. To cherish our brothers without needing to possess them. To walk alongside them without seeking anything in return. To form bonds that aren’t tainted by lust but strengthened by sacrifice.

    The temptation, of course, is real. But so is the opportunity. The world tells us we have only two choices: repression or indulgence. But Jesus offers us something else entirely—transformation. Not a stripping away of our ability to love, but a refining of it. A reordering. A way to channel it into something holy.

    So, brother, don’t despise what God can redeem. If you feel the weight of this longing, let it drive you toward the kind of love the world desperately needs. A love that builds up, that commits, that gives rather than takes.

    The enemy wants you to believe you are cursed. Christ wants to show you that you are called.

    And that, my friend, is a gift.

  • Why I Made This Blog

    The Journey to Covenant Brotherhood

    The short version of my story is that I identified as gay before Christ found me in 2022 and transformed my heart from the inside out. I struggled with pornography and cannabis, but those habits fell away quickly after my salvation. However, I wasn’t quite sure what to do with my sexual orientation, as my leanings did not change. Eventually, I embraced Kingdom singleness as my path, which remains my focus today.

    Despite this, there is still a strong and pure affection in my heart for men that feels distinct from other feelings that may have become intertwined. As I continued to read the Bible, I discovered the concept of covenant brotherhood, which resonated deeply with me as the missing piece I was seeking.

    I created this blog to make the idea of covenant brotherhood real for both myself and others, using fictional and historical examples along with repetition to rewire my thoughts to align with God’s intentions. Because this concept is part of God’s design for men, it is inherently real. Unfortunately, it has been largely forgotten through the ages, rendering it a foreign concept in today’s discussions about relationships and singleness.

    My goal is to change this paradigm for myself and lay the foundation for committed brotherhood in my life, if it aligns with God’s will. I also hope to do the same for others who might find this concept to be a missing piece in their journey.

    I’m not accustomed to putting myself out there like this, but it truly feels like where God is leading me, so here we are! If any of this blog’s content resonates with you, I would love to hear from you.

    Thank you for reading, and God bless!

    Brian

  • Covenant Brotherhood: Real Bonds, Old Roots, and Why We Need It

    Let’s sit down and talk about something real—most of us aren’t great at friendship. Sure, we’ve got buddies, teammates, maybe accountability partners who nod through a Zoom call once a month. But deep, lifelong brotherhood—the kind that sticks through thick and thin? We see it in war movies, feel the pull, then shrug it off as too big for real life. Yet Scripture’s full of it—not just casual pals, but covenant brotherhood—soul deep, faith-bound—and we’re missing out.

    What Does Covenant Brotherhood Mean?

    Picture two men—grit under their nails, hearts wide open—not just friends, but brothers by choice—tied tight by faith. It’s not casual—covenant carries weight—means you’re in, no back door. This isn’t new—it’s ancient stuff. Scripture’s thick with it—David and Jonathan, soul-to-soul—1 Samuel 18:1-4—Jonathan hands over his armor, like passing your truck keys and house deed—“We’re in this for life.” Jesus with His crew—John 15:15—not servants, friends—He gave everything for them. Paul and Timothy—father and son in spirit—faith locking them close.

    History backs it too—medieval knights swearing oaths—loyalty trumping blood—battlefield brothers, sweat and steel forging bonds no words could break. Even literature—Sam hauling Frodo up that mountain—“I can’t carry it, but I can carry you!”—that’s covenant brotherhood—real love, not fluff.

    How Did We Lose It?

    Somewhere along the way, we let it slip. Modern life pushes light friendships—keep it easy, don’t get close—low stakes, no mess. The Church, meaning well, often lifts marriage high and eyes deep male bonds sideways—like they’re odd or suspect. Leaves a lot of men lonely—squeezing into molds that don’t fit—or sitting quiet, wondering why faith feels thin. Used to sting—now it’s clear—covenant’s no second fiddle—it’s God’s road too.

    Why Does It Matter?

    Because we’re not built to go solo—God wired us for this. Proverbs 27:17—“Iron sharpens iron”—you can’t grind yourself—takes a brother. Galatians 6:2—“Bear one another’s burdens”—can’t lift what you won’t share—Jesus sent His crew out paired—Paul had Timothy, Barnabas—no lone wolf lasts when faith’s real. Buddies are fine—beer and laughs—but covenant brothers fight for you—pray when you’re wrecked—call your bluff—stand when it’s dark—soul needs that fire.

    Where Do We Go?

    This isn’t about forming some oath club—nothing stiff or formal—just recovering something real—biblical—raw. What if we stopped seeing brotherhood as optional? Lean in—build bonds—love like Jesus said—deep, no half-measures. History carved it—Scripture seals it—knights bled, David swore—God’s in it—less common doesn’t mean less holy—prayer binding, hands steady—that’s the road.

    Covenant brotherhood—soul ties—life forged—not dry—alive—grab it—walk it—maybe that’s what we’ve been missing all along.

  • Gauze and Glow

    Dusk settled over the forward operating base, red sunset bleeding out over jagged hills as the camp eased into night. The FOB hummed low with distant clatter from the mess shack and a stray cough from the racks, but the air inside hung still, thick with the day’s weight.

    Jake led Travis in from the skirmish, his arm still bleeding through a torn sleeve—a dark smear against fair skin. They slumped onto the cot, boots scuffing the dirt floor. Travis winced, peeling off his shirt to bare the gash—fabric dropped, revealing freckled shoulders and a lean frame—Jake rested a steady hand on his arm, easing him still, then dropped his rifle to rip open the med kit with tight grip. Gauze and a canteen spilled out—he splashed water over the wound, shallow but messy—a ragged line above the elbow—and scrubbed it clean. The sting drew a hiss from Travis. “Stings like hell,” he muttered, voice shaky with pain and leftover adrenaline—blue-gray eyes flicked up. “Gonna scar?”

    “Not deep,” Jake said, low and firm, keeping his gaze on the wound—his hand firm on Travis’s shoulder. “Hold still.” Callused fingers worked the gauze, pressing it tight—a faint tremble ran through—Travis’s blood under his touch, the skirmish slamming back—shots, Travis’s grunt—faith strained, urging him steady—needing Travis’s stubborn will to ground the ache dad’s drinking left, a silence he’d carried alone.

    Travis gritted his teeth—watching Jake’s hands, steady where his shook—one still resting light on his bare arm. “You didn’t flinch out there,” he said, words spilling rough, “pulling me in—why?” Pain and trust tangled—cracking a guard he’d worn since they arrived—Jake’s heart shone through hazel, raw and real—a pull he couldn’t dodge. “Thought God’d leave me out there—always does,” he added, voice dropping—faith a sore spot, mom’s hymns lost when dad walked.

    “Couldn’t leave you,” Jake said, quieter—voice catching as relief and fear tangled—Travis’s grit stitching a hole dad’s chaos tore—he’d have broken without him. He tied off the bandage with a quick knot—“Done now”—easing his hand from Travis’s shoulder—fingers lingered soft on his arm—eyes caught—locked hard in lantern glow. Faith pulsed—Travis’s will a lifeline—keeping him whole where dad’s drinking hollowed him out.

    Outside, Eddie’s loud laugh echoed from the mess shack, cutting through the hum—Ray’s boots thudded past the tent flap—unit life rolled on, blind to the pull thickening inside. The lantern flickered—glow dancing over the cot—Travis slumped back against the wall—breath steadying—arm limp at his side—his chest tight with Jake’s heart, faith a raw ache he couldn’t name yet. Jake stayed close—rifle propped nearby—Bible’s bulge pressing his pocket—his hand resting light on Travis’s arm a moment longer—a trust forged raw stretched between them—two souls bared in dust and blood—pulling them deeper into night’s wrestle—threading firm through scars and quiet.

    (Condensed chapter from a longer story, Brothers in Dust, contact if interested in full story.)

  • The Hum

    (Dialogue)

    Man, you ever feel it creep in?”  

    “What—you mean that hum?”  

    “Yeah. Like right now—us jawing here, close, and it’s good, but then bam, that flicker hits.”  

    “Every damn time. Ain’t full-on lust—just warm, weird, like my gut’s remembering old junk.”  

    “Got wired screwy—clips, scenes, whatever. That vibe—not banging, just… there.”  

    “Exactly. Got me hooked—homo hum, not queer. Soul stuff, but it’d spark hot sometimes.”  

    “Still does. Sitting here—your voice, your nod—it’s brotherhood, but that old pull sneaks up.”  

    “Same. Feel you get me—deep, real—and then it twists, like my heart’s half-stupid still.”  

    “Ain’t stupid—just trained wrong. Years of flicks—lit me up somehow.”  

    “Me too. Watched ‘em—felt it—not crossing lines—but it stuck ‘til faith.”  

    “Faith’s the kicker—Christ grabs it, says ‘Mine.’ Still hums, though—your laugh just now? Damn.”  

    “Caught that too—your look, steady. Ain’t chasing skin—just that spark, tangled in us.”  

    “Let’s name it—erotic, yeah, but not sex. Soul’s hungry—world don’t get that.”  

    “Nope. Says lust or lone—bull. Scripture’s got it—Jonathan, David, souls knit (1 Samuel 18:1).”  

    “Right—pure, strong. That hum? Old wiring—ghost junk. Ain’t us, not now.”  

    “Still trips me—feel it, freak a sec, then what? Don’t wanna wreck this.”  

    “Me neither—wrecking’s the old play. Recognize it—‘Hey, there’s the hum’—then let it sit.”  

    “Yeah—see it, don’t run. Ain’t sin ‘less I feed it. You steady when it hits?”  

    “Steady-ish—pray it down. ‘Lord, take this—keep us true.’ Refocus—us, Him, not the flicker.”  

    “Prayer’s clutch—‘Christ, hold it, bind us.’ That hum’s a shadow—brotherhood’s the meat.”  

    “Damn right—shadow don’t own us. Feel it, nod, shift—talk like this, cuts it clear.”  

    “Talking’s gold—naming it strips the power. You get me—hum or not—soul’s safe here.”  

    “Safe’s it—get you too, deep. That flicker? Fades when we lean in, not out.”  

    “Leaning in—yeah. Old junk’d say chase it—Christ says forge it. We’re forging, man.”  

    “Forging tight—this hum’s a test, not a boss. Bond’s stronger ‘cause we hash it.”  

    “Stronger every time—soul over spark. You’re my brother—hum don’t change that.”  

    “Nope—brother, full stop. Christ’s got us—refocused, forged. We’re good, man.”  

    “Real good—tighter now. That hum? Just noise—us? Solid as hell.”

  • Splinters and Grace

    (Testimony, fiction)

    I’m Josh—52, carpenter, hands worn from planing oak and a life I nearly split wide. Grew up in Indiana, preacher’s kid—Dad’s sermons boomed, Mom stitched quilts to hold us steady. Church was duty—Sunday ties, guilt for thoughts I couldn’t shake. Bolted at 16—roofed houses in summer, shoveled snow in winter. Twenties and thirties blurred—bar shifts, steel mill nights, chasing calm in dim glow. Men tugged me—not women—something rooted, not romance. Hid it in bottles and screens.

    Mill shut at 35—learned carpentry under an old vet, cig smoke and soft cusses. Married at 38—Ellen, kind, flower shop gal—thought it’d anchor me. Four years, done by 42—couldn’t close the distance, not her fault. She dreamed of kids; I chased peace I couldn’t grab. Alone, I’d watch clips—two guys sharing a woman, laughing close, not lovers. That pull—warm, not wild—stirred me deep, a bond I misread ‘til it sank in.

    Hit bottom at 47—laid off, whiskey-drowned, shop gone. A roofing pal hauled me to a prayer night—Christ met me, not with fire, but a steady lift (Psalm 40:2—out of the mire). Five years in faith—still feel that hum, a guy’s easy grin at the lumber yard, echoes of those scenes. Not chasing flesh—just connection, quiet and true, His now.

    Heart’s ache? Brotherhood—real, not barstool chatter. Thought I’d end solo—shamed for loving men my way, wired off by old reels. Faith’s teaching me—grace don’t fit molds. Men can love men—pure, strong—outside the lines (1 Samuel 18:1—souls tied, no script). Talks with others seeking this—they’re showing faith’s a joiner’s craft, not a lone cut.

    Struggles linger—quiet nights pinch, that hum flares when I’m beat. But I’m learning—prayer steadies, men lift men. Covenant’s no dream—it’s hands clasped, hearts open, Christ in the grain (John 15:15—friends, not strangers). Soul’s waking—splinters don’t own me, grace does. This path—rare, real—teaches love ain’t what I feared, but what He builds.

  • The Dip

    The trail cut through pines, boots crunching gravel under a wide sky. Two guys—me and him—hiking off the week’s grind, packs light, sweat beading. Sun blazed high, air thick with cedar and dust. We’d jawed for miles—work, faith, the usual—words easy, like old leather.

    “Lake’s up ahead,” I said, nodding at a shimmer through the trees. He grinned—quick, sharp—and we picked up pace. Shore hit fast—pebbles, still water, pines hugging tight. Packs dropped, shirts peeled—heat begged it. “Skinny dip?” he tossed out, half-laughing. I smirked—“Hell yeah”—and we shucked the rest, kicking boots free.

    Water slapped cool—feet first, then a plunge, ripples fanning out. I surfaced, shaking wet from my hair; he broke through laughing, splashing like a kid. Lake was ours—no crowd, just us, swimming lazy circles. “This is it,” he said, voice loose, floating on his back. “Damn right,” I shot back, treading slow.

    Then it crept in—that hum. Bare skin, water slick, his laugh echoing—hit me low, warm, not full-on lust, just there. Old wiring—porn clips, two guys close, not crossing, sparking that itch. I caught his eye—steady, easy—and damn if it didn’t flicker in him too. “Feel that?” I said, half-gruff, testing it.

    “Yeah,” he said, straight up, no flinch. “Hums—like back then, watching stuff. Ain’t chasing it, just… there.”

    “Same,” I grunted, kicking water. “Soul stuff—gets tangled, don’t it?”

    He nodded, drifting closer—not too close. “Always does—voice, grin, hits deep. Old reels trained it—warm, not wild.”

    I exhaled—truth cut loose. “World’d say run with it—or run off. Messed me ‘til faith grabbed hold.”

    “Me too,” he said, eyes on the sky. “Thought it’d damn me—warm hum, not sin ‘less I feed it. God’s bigger.”

    Water lapped—quiet held us. That hum—erotic echo, not flesh—buzzed soft, lake cool against it. “Name it,” I said, blunt. “See it—don’t dodge. Ain’t us, not now.”

    “Right,” he said, firm. “Feel it—nod—let it sit. Prayer’s my rope—‘Lord, keep it Yours.’”

    “Same—‘Christ, hold this.’ Hums there—God’s there stronger. Soul’s safe, man.”

    He splashed me—light, quick—grinning. “Safe—brother, not bait. Tangled, but His.”

    I laughed, splashing back—“Damn straight”—and we swam, hum fading under water’s pull. “Faith’s the win,” I said, voice steady. “Men like us—loving real, not muddied.”

    “Truth,” he shot back, treading close. “Jonathan, David—souls knit, no mess (1 Samuel 18:1). World don’t get it—God does.”

    Lake held us—cool, clear—God’s grip tighter than any flicker. We ducked under—heads dunked, came up spitting—bond thicker now, not thin. “This is it,” I said, water dripping. “Brother—not hum’s toy.”

    “Brother—full stop,” he said, eyes clear. “God’s here—hum’s just noise.”

    Shore called—we climbed out, pebbles sharp, air cold on wet skin. Hums lingered—soft, small—God loomed big, steady as the pines. Pants tugged on, boots laced—two guys, tangled pasts, forged present. “Stronger now,” I said, clapping his shoulder.

    “Damn right,” he said, clapping mine—solid, real, His.

  • The Cut

    The barbershop glowed soft under a single bulb, clippers humming low against the Chicago dusk. Matt, 44, swept stray hairs off the worn floor, hands steady from years behind the chair. A fan ticked in the corner, stirring November air through streaked glass. The bell jingled—Dave, 42, stepped in, jacket slung over his shoulder, cap in hand, a desk job’s weight in his slouch.

    “Trim?” Matt asked, voice warm, nodding at the leather seat. Dave eased in, mirror catching a face etched by quiet years—divorce at 38, nights chasing peace in old habits. Matt’s wasn’t much different—party days traded for faith three years back, steady now with shears.

    Clippers buzzed, shearing Dave’s dark scrub. “Rough day?” Matt said, brushing a neck hair.

    “Office grind,” Dave replied, eyes half-closed. “Back’s griping—too much chair.”

    Matt chuckled, light. “Know it. Poured drinks ‘til 41—legs quit before the shots did.”

    Dave’s mouth twitched—a half-grin. “Barber now? What flipped it?”

    “Whiskey ran dry,” Matt said, easy. “Three years ago—church pal pulled me out. Clipping’s calmer—keeps me straight.”

    Dave’s fingers tapped the armrest—Matt caught it. “Wife left me,” Dave said, low. “Four years—thought she’d settle what stirred off. Never did.”

    Matt set the clippers down, grabbed a towel. “Yeah. Men got me—deep, not gals. Chased it in late bars—flicks, guys laughing, not loving. Hit harder’n anything.”

    Dave’s eyes met Matt’s in the glass, steady over the hum. “Same reel. Shows—two fellas, tight, not queer. Never named it ‘til it stuck.”

    The shop shrank—buzz, fan, street hum—just two voices weaving close. Matt knew that pull—loving men, not the world’s tune, soul not skin. Dave’s echo rang it softer—different ache, same thread.

    “Faith found me,” Matt said, wiping Dave’s neck. “Three years—still feel that hum. Not chasing beds—just a guy getting me. Christ took it, made it His.”

    Dave’s smile was faint. “Two years—prayer night, broke. Thought it’d damn me ‘til grace said no. Hums still—guy’s nod at work, old itch.”

    They’d crossed that month—hair snipped, talk spilled slow. Matt saw Dave’s pause at a customer’s laugh; Dave caught Matt’s quiet when a voice hit the door. No rush—just truth, gentle as dusk. They’d nodded once, chair left open—two men, worn but breathing (John 15:15—friends, not just hired hands).

    “Built for this,” Matt said, voice warm. “Men loving men, Christ’s way—not their line. Rare, but ours.”

    Dave rubbed his chin, steady. “Thought I’d drift solo—shamed out. This—covenant? Feels true.”

    The bulb flickered—shop dim, city soft beyond. Matt’s chest eased—Dave’s too. Not a spark of heat, not a blur—just alive, like shears cutting clean. Tomorrow waited—cuts for Matt, desks for Dave—but here, they sat, loving unique, God-lit.

    “This is it,” Matt said, firm but soft. “Live it—show ‘em there’s more. Build it, brother—heart and hands.”

    Dave tipped his head, meeting Matt’s eyes. “Yeah. Us—others too. No more lone.”

    Night hugged the glass, a quiet vow. Two men, past the script, carving covenant in the chair—simple, real, His.

  • Grace After The Fire

    (From James and Luke Series – Condensed Excerpt)

    The fire crackled softly in the wood stove, filling the cabin with flickering warmth. James and Luke sat in silence, the space between them thick with something neither had the courage to name.

    “You ever feel like time moves differently out here?” Luke asked.

    James nodded. “Like everything slows down. Makes it harder to ignore what’s been there all along.”

    Luke exhaled, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah.” His knee brushed against James’s, but this time, neither of them moved away.

    James swallowed hard. The quiet between them wasn’t new, but the way it pressed in now felt different—heavier. When Luke turned to look at him, there was something searching in his gaze, something raw and unspoken.

    “James…” Luke murmured.

    James didn’t answer. He wasn’t sure who moved first, but suddenly, the space between them was gone. A hesitant touch, a breath held too long—then the dam broke.

    What started as a whisper of contact became something urgent, unchecked. Hands fumbled, shirts were discarded, reason drowned beneath the heat of the moment. The fire burned, but not as hot as the longing neither of them had ever dared to name.

    And then—

    It was over.

    James lay on his side, his pulse still hammering, his skin still warm. But the warmth now felt suffocating. The firelight flickered over Luke’s face, illuminating the horror settling in his wide eyes.

    The weight of what they had done crashed over them like a breaking wave.

    James sat up abruptly, running a hand over his face. “Luke…” His voice barely found breath. “What did we just do?”

    Luke swallowed, his throat working around words that wouldn’t come. He sat up too, his hands gripping the edge of the bed like he needed to steady himself. “I… I don’t know,” he whispered.

    James buried his face in his hands, his body trembling. “We can’t undo this.”

    Luke inhaled sharply, his voice hollow. “I know.”

    A heavy silence settled between them, thick with guilt. Outside, crickets chirped in the darkness, oblivious to the wreckage inside the cabin.

    James clenched his fists. He wanted to pray, but the words wouldn’t come. “God…” he choked out. “I don’t even know where to start.”

    Luke’s hand found his shoulder, squeezing gently. “Me either. But… this doesn’t have to define us. It can’t.”

    James turned to meet his eyes, seeing the same fear and sorrow reflected back at him. “We need His grace now more than ever.”

    Luke nodded. “We can’t do this alone.”

    They sat there, side by side, staring into the fire as if waiting for an answer.

    The journey wasn’t over. But they would face it—together.

    (Chapter from a longer story about James and Luke, actually second in a trilogy about these two characters. Contact if interested in full story.)

  • Prayer in Vulnerability

    The evening air was cool and still, filtering softly through the cracked window. A few embers glowed faintly in the fireplace, casting long shadows across the room. James sat on the edge of the bed, his head lowered, hands loosely clasped between his knees. His thoughts churned—doubts he hadn’t shared with anyone, not even Luke.

    Across the room, Luke leaned casually against the doorframe, arms crossed. He studied James with quiet concern. “You’ve been in your head all day,” he said gently. “What’s going on?”

    James hesitated, then let out a long breath. “I don’t know… I’ve just been questioning everything. The way we’re starting this ministry for men… trying to build something real out of it. I keep wondering if we’re even qualified to lead anyone.” He rubbed his hands together absently. “What if we’re just kidding ourselves? What if I’m not strong enough or… good enough to make a difference?”

    Luke stepped forward and sat beside him on the bed, his presence grounding but non-intrusive. He didn’t rush to fill the silence, giving James the space to continue.

    James sighed again, his voice quieter now. “I’ve always felt like there’s this weight of expectation… that I have to be perfect. And I’m not. I still carry these struggles, this self-doubt, and… I don’t know. I want to help other men find healing, but maybe I’m just not cut out for it.”

    Luke nodded slowly, letting James’s words settle before responding. “You’re not cut out for it—at least not on your own,” he said plainly but with a soft edge. “None of us are. That’s why we’re doing this together, James. And why God’s a part of it. You think I haven’t felt the same doubts?”

    James glanced at him. “Have you?”

    “Of course I have,” Luke admitted. “But you know what helps? Seeing how much you care. You carry so much, man… more than you should. You have this heart for people—for wanting them to find peace and connection. That’s a gift. And you don’t have to be perfect to share that gift.”

    James swallowed hard, Luke’s words hitting him deeper than he expected. The vulnerability tightened his chest, but there was also a strange sense of relief. He wasn’t in this alone.

    Luke placed a firm hand on James’s shoulder. “We’ve got this. And we’ve got each other. You’re not gonna carry all this by yourself. You hear me?”

    James nodded slowly. “Thanks,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion.

    Luke glanced over at the Bible resting on the nightstand. He hesitated briefly, then spoke with quiet determination. “We need to pray about this. Let me pray for you.”

    James hesitated but eventually nodded. “Yeah… okay. I’d appreciate that.”

    They knelt together by the bed, their arms resting on the mattress. Luke exhaled slowly, centering himself. He wasn’t used to leading prayer like this, but he knew it mattered. He cared too much not to try.

    “Father,” Luke began, his voice low but steady, “thank You for the way You’ve been leading us—even when we don’t always see it. Thank You for the work You’re doing through James. He’s got doubts weighing on him, Lord, and he needs Your peace. Help him to see that his worth doesn’t come from what he can achieve but from who You’ve made him to be.”

    James closed his eyes, the words seeping into his heart. Luke’s voice, always calm and sure in everyday life, carried a raw sincerity in this moment.

    “Show him how to let go of the fear and pressure he’s been carrying,” Luke continued, emotion creeping into his voice. “Remind him that You’re with him in every step—every struggle, every moment of doubt. And teach me, Lord, how to lay down my life for him the way You laid down Yours for us. Help me be the kind of brother who carries the load when he’s too tired, who loves without expecting anything in return.”

    James’s breath hitched slightly, the prayer striking a deep chord. He hadn’t realized how much he’d needed to hear those words.

    Luke paused briefly, taking a breath. “Thank You for giving me this friendship. For trusting us with this calling to serve others. We surrender it all to You. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

    “Amen,” James whispered, a tear slipping down his cheek.

    They remained on their knees for a moment longer, the silence between them reverent. Finally, James turned to Luke and pulled him into a firm embrace. It wasn’t just gratitude—it was something deeper, a wordless acknowledgment of trust, sacrifice, and shared purpose.

    “Thank you,” James said softly as he stepped back. “That meant a lot.”

    Luke smiled, his hand resting lightly on James’s shoulder. “You’ve been there for me more times than I can count. I figure it’s time I returned the favor.”

    James chuckled, shaking his head. “You’re really stepping up, huh? Look at you—leading prayer and everything.”

    Luke grinned. “Hey, don’t get used to it. I’m still figuring this faith thing out. But… I want to be better at it. For both of us.”

    “You’re doing good,” James replied sincerely. “Better than good.”

    The tension in the room had lifted, replaced by a quiet sense of hope. As they stood and stretched, James felt lighter. His fears weren’t entirely gone, but they no longer held the same grip.

    “You remember Jonathan and David?” Luke asked thoughtfully as they walked toward the living room.

    “Yeah.”

    “Jonathan gave up everything for David—his status, his future. That’s the kind of love I want to have for you and the guys we’re mentoring. Not just words. Sacrifice.”

    James nodded, his expression softening. “That’s… powerful. I’m honored, brother. And I want to be that for you too.”

    Luke gave a warm smile, their bond deepening in the quiet affirmation.

    “Alright,” Luke said, clapping James on the back. “Now let’s figure out how to knock some sense into those guys tomorrow without sounding too much like old preachers.”

    James laughed. “Sounds like a plan. Maybe you can try your ‘constructive oversight’ leadership style again.”

    “Don’t tempt me,” Luke shot back with a grin as they walked into the living room.

    Their banter continued into the evening, but the undercurrent of trust remained. Whatever challenges lay ahead for their ministry and their lives, they would face them together—brothers strengthened by faith, love, and sacrifice.

    (Chapter from a longer story about James and Luke, actually third in a trilogy about these two characters. Contact if interested in full story.)

  • Wound Care

    Luke winced as he pulled his shirt off, revealing a deep gash along his upper arm. The wound, a jagged cut from an accident at the work site earlier that afternoon, oozed slightly. Dirt and dried blood clung to the surrounding skin.

    “Man, you should have told me sooner,” James said, his voice a mix of concern and frustration. He grabbed the first-aid kit from the cabinet and gestured for Luke to sit at the edge of the couch.

    “It wasn’t that bad at first,” Luke muttered, his jaw tightening as he lowered himself. “Figured it’d stop bleeding on its own.”

    “Yeah, because ignoring injuries always works,” James shot back, his tone dry but not unkind. He knelt beside Luke, setting out gauze, antiseptic, and medical tape. “You’re as stubborn as ever.”

    Luke chuckled softly, shaking his head. “You’d miss it if I weren’t.”

    “Keep telling yourself that,” James replied, carefully wetting a cloth. He paused for a moment, meeting Luke’s eyes. “This might sting a bit.”

    “I’ll live,” Luke muttered, bracing himself.

    James pressed the damp cloth gently to the wound, wiping away the dirt and dried blood. Luke sucked in a sharp breath, his muscles tensing under the touch. James worked with a steady hand, his movements deliberate but gentle.

    “Relax,” James murmured. “You’re not going to break.”

    Luke exhaled slowly, forcing himself to unclench his jaw. James’s presence was grounding, the warmth of his hand steadying as he cleaned the cut. Despite the discomfort, there was an unexpected calm in the moment—an intimacy in the simple act of care.

    “You’ve got to be more careful, man,” James said quietly, his brow furrowing as he examined the wound. “You push too hard sometimes. Always have.”

    Luke gave a faint smile. “Old habits die hard. You know that.”

    “Doesn’t mean I won’t call you out on them,” James replied, rinsing the cloth and dabbing the area again. His voice softened. “You don’t have to push yourself like this. Not anymore.”

    Luke didn’t respond immediately. Instead, he watched James work, noting the focus in his expression—the way his hands moved with both confidence and care. He wasn’t used to this, not really. Letting someone else take the lead. Letting someone see him vulnerable.

    “Thanks,” Luke finally said, his voice low. “For… this.”

    James paused briefly, meeting Luke’s eyes again. “You’d do the same for me.”

    “Yeah,” Luke murmured. “In a heartbeat.”

    James nodded, applying antiseptic and gauze before securing it with tape. His touch lingered briefly on Luke’s shoulder when he was done. “There. Should heal up fine as long as you don’t do anything stupid.”

    Luke laughed softly. “Can’t make any promises.”

    James shook his head but smiled. “Just try, alright?”

    Luke tested his arm, grimacing but nodding in approval. “Thanks. Seriously. I’d probably have messed it up more if you weren’t here.”

    James met his eyes, his expression softening further. “Anytime, brother. You know that.”

    They stayed there for a moment longer—James kneeling beside the couch, Luke resting his arm on his thigh. The warmth between them was unspoken but palpable, a quiet testament to the trust and bond they shared.

    Finally, James stood and began tidying the first-aid kit. “You need anything else?”

    Luke shook his head. “Nah. Just maybe sit with me for a bit?”

    James didn’t hesitate. “Yeah. I can do that.”

    He settled on the couch beside Luke, the fire crackling softly in the background. Neither of them said much after that, content in the stillness, knowing that in moments like these, words weren’t necessary.

    (Chapter from a longer story about James and Luke, actually third in a trilogy about these two characters. Contact if interested in full story.)

  • The Ascent

    The trail was half mud, half rock—steep enough that Jake’s thighs burned, but not steep enough to shut him up.

    “You ever think we weren’t built for this?” he asked, swiping sweat from his brow.

    Ben, five steps ahead, glanced back. “You saying that ‘cause of your legs or your life?”

    Jake huffed, adjusting his pack. “Both.”

    They’d started before dawn, boots crunching against damp earth, the Tennessee hills rolling out like a promise. A hike to clear the head—that’s what Ben had called it. But Jake knew better. Ben didn’t do anything without a reason.

    They’d met two years ago, both fresh out of wreckage—Ben from a ten-year lie of a relationship, Jake from a life chasing empty highs. Different roads, same pit. It was a men’s retreat that put them on the same path, same late-night talks, same heavy confessions.

    Ben was the first man Jake ever admitted it to—the pull, the not-straight but not-gay, the loneliness that no one could name. And Ben hadn’t flinched.

    That’s what scared Jake most.

    The trail curved sharply upward, and Jake planted his hands on his thighs, pushing through the incline. “You ever get tired of fighting it?”

    Ben didn’t slow. “Fighting what?”

    Jake gestured vaguely. “All of it. The tension. The feeling like you don’t belong anywhere.”

    Ben paused at the ridge, looking out over the mist-drenched valley. His voice was quiet when he answered. “Yeah.” He turned, locking eyes with Jake. “But that’s why I don’t do it alone.”

    Jake reached the top, breath ragged. Ben clapped him on the back, firm and steady.

    They stood there, the wind biting, the world stretching wide. Jake swallowed hard.

    “I don’t know how to do this.”

    Ben nodded. “Neither do I.”

    A long silence stretched, thick with things unsaid.

    Finally, Jake sat on a rock, rubbing his hands together. “So what, man? We just keep hiking? Keep holding each other up ‘til we make it to heaven?”

    Ben smirked, lowering himself onto a nearby log. “Pretty much.”

    Jake let out a short laugh—sharp, almost bitter. “I spent years looking for this, you know? Just didn’t know what ‘this’ was.” He shook his head. “The world told me I had two options—deny everything or embrace everything. No one told me there was a third way.”

    Ben pulled something from his pack—a length of cord, knotted and worn. He wrapped it once around his wrist before tossing it to Jake.

    “It’s not about getting it perfect. It’s about standing together.”

    Jake turned the cord over in his hands.

    A covenant. That’s what Ben was offering—not some vague friendship, not some half-spoken loyalty. A bond, chosen and real, built to last.

    Jake exhaled, tying the cord around his wrist.

    “Alright,” he said, voice rough. “Let’s do this.”

    Ben grinned, standing and offering his hand. Jake took it, clasping tight.

    The wind howled, the valley stretched below, and together, they started the climb down—side by side, step by step, a path not many walked.

    But they walked it anyway.

  • Testing Boundaries (Excerpt)

    Silence settled, broken only by the rain’s patter. Ted didn’t rush to fill it, which irked Ethan for no good reason. He shifted, fingers drumming the armrest, then blurted, “So you just… denied that part of yourself?”

    Ted’s expression didn’t change. Ethan had been holding that question since the porch—maybe longer. With no distractions—no phone, no noise—it slipped out.

    Ted set his glass down with a quiet thunk, letting the words hang. “I surrendered it,” he said finally. “And I never looked back.”

    Ethan scoffed lightly. “That easy, huh?”

    Ted’s lips curved, not quite a smile. “Didn’t say it was easy.”

    Ethan leaned forward, arms on his knees. “So what—you just decided one day those feelings weren’t real?”

    Ted shook his head. “Never said that either.”

    Ethan frowned.

    Ted exhaled, settling back. “What I’m sayin’ is, I had to choose. The world told me one thing. God told me somethin’ else. I trusted Him more’n I trusted myself.”

    Ethan crossed his arms. “And that worked for you?”

    Ted nodded, but something heavier flickered in his eyes. He stared into the lantern’s glow. “I almost didn’t,” he admitted.

    Ethan raised an eyebrow.

    Ted rubbed his jaw, exhaling through his nose. “For a while, I figured I’d got it wrong. Maybe I was holdin’ onto somethin’ outta fear. So I walked away—gave the world’s way a shot, thought I’d find what I was lookin’ for.”

    Ethan’s stomach tightened. He hadn’t expected this.

    Ted shook his head, gaze settling on him. “Didn’t. Lost more’n I care to admit.” He leaned forward. “You wanna know why I trust God more’n myself? I’ve seen what happens when I don’t.”

    Ted sipped his water, calm again. “Spent years thinkin’ I had to choose between bein’ loved and bein’ faithful. But I was askin’ the wrong question. It wasn’t about that—it was about choosin’ Him.”

    Ethan swallowed, throat tight. He forced a smirk. “Not many people sound as sure as you.”

    “Took a long time to get here,” Ted said, a quiet laugh in his voice.

    Ethan watched him, the lantern light carving deeper lines in his face. He should’ve argued, laughed it off. But he didn’t want to. That scared him more than anything.

    Ted stood, grabbing a blanket from a closet and draping it over the couch. “In case it gets cold tonight.”

    (Excerpt from Narrow Road Together in the Ethan & Ted series. Contact me if you’d like to read the full story)

  • The Forge

    The fire spat embers into the night, a ragged glow against the Indiana pines. Caleb crouched by it, 52 years carved into his hands—calluses from swinging hammers, scars from swinging at life. Across the flames sat Eli, 48, eyes hollowed by years of hiding. Two men, strangers ‘til that retreat, now tethered by something neither could name ‘til it hit.

    Caleb tossed a stick into the blaze, sparks snapping like old guilt. “Grew up thinking God’d smite me for looking too long at a guy in church,” he said, voice gravel. “Dad preached hell—I believed it. Ran from it ‘til I couldn’t.”

    Eli nodded, boots scuffing dirt. “Same, different flavor. Mom said love was women or nothing. Tried it—married at 30, crashed by 35. Never told her the guys on the rig stirred me more’n she did.”

    The wind carried smoke between them, sharp and honest. Caleb’s gut knew that ache—loving men, not like the world said, but bone-deep, beyond flesh. He’d chased it in shadows—porn flickering on a screen, two guys bonding, not touching, but close. Never fit the gay label, never fit straight. Eli’s story echoed—different road, same ditch.

    “Found Christ at 47,” Caleb said, poking the fire. “Broke me open—grace, not wrath. Been five years, still wrestle the pull. Not sex—just that hum when a guy gets me.”

    Eli’s laugh was dry. “Yeah. Forty-five for me—Jesus hauled me out of a bottle. Two years in, same fight. Thought I was alone ‘til this.” He waved at the fire, the space between.

    Caleb leaned forward, elbows on knees. “Ain’t alone. World don’t get it—men loving men, pure, no mud. But Scripture does. Jonathan and David—souls knit, no bed. That’s us, brother.”

    Eli’s eyes caught the glow, steadying. “Thought I’d die single, shamed. This… covenant? Feels like air.”

    They’d met that week—retreat mud, shared coffee, stories spilling over late nights. Caleb saw Eli’s flinch at a guy’s grin; Eli caught Caleb’s quiet when loneliness bit. No preaching—just truth, raw as split wood. They’d prayed it out, hands clasped, fire a witness—two men, battered but standing (Ecclesiastes 4:12—cord of three strands).

    “Role’s this,” Caleb said, voice firm. “Live it—men who love men, Christ’s way. World’s blind; we ain’t. Build it, brother—hammer and soul.”

    Eli tossed dirt on the flames, embers hissing. “Yeah. Forge it—us, others. No more hiding.”

    Dawn crept up, gray and sure. They stood, shoulders brushing—not erotic, but alive. Caleb’s hammer waited; Eli’s rig called. Two men, loving unique, God-lit, stepping into a world that’d never name it. But they did—covenant, forged in fire, strong as hell.