Rewired: A Testimony in Progress

I don’t know exactly where this road ends. I just know I’m not where I started.

For most of my life, brotherhood and desire were tangled together—so tightly woven that I couldn’t see where one ended and the other began. The longing I felt for men wasn’t just about attraction—it was deeper, more complicated. A mix of admiration, craving, and something I once thought was awe-inspiring.

And for a long time, I held onto that. Even after surrendering my life to Christ, even after stepping into a new way of living, a small part of me still wondered: Was this really something to let go of? Or was there a way to keep it, to sanctify it somehow?

It wasn’t about sex. It was about closeness, belonging. That deep, aching pull toward men. The way it hummed inside me when I felt seen, chosen, wanted.

And maybe, I thought, that hum wasn’t a distortion. Maybe it was a gift.

The Truth That Cut Through

But slowly, steadily, God began rewiring me. Not with a single, dramatic moment, but with truth creeping in like light through cracked blinds—truth I couldn’t unsee.

The longing wasn’t wrong. But the way it had been shaped in me was.

What I’d thought was beautiful was actually broken. The love I longed for was real, but the way I sought it had been distorted by wounds, lies, and a world that sexualizes everything it touches.

And here’s the key realization: That distortion was its own thing. Separate. A counterfeit standing beside the real.

Two Realities, but One Truth

I still experience echoes of the old, eroticized fantasy of brotherhood. It hasn’t vanished overnight. It still exists in my mind as its own thing—a leftover framework, a script I once believed in.

But then there’s something far greater—the actual, real, God-designed brotherhood that has emerged alongside it. And these two things? They are not the same. They exist side by side, but they do not mix.

The true brotherhood I now know—the bond I have with my brothers in Christ, with men I walk alongside in faith and life—is completely separate from the distortion. That confusion doesn’t exist between us. The old wiring may hum in the background at times, but it has no place in my actual relationships.

I used to believe my longing for men had to be expressed in a certain way or it would be wasted. Now I see—God wasn’t withholding something from me. He was leading me into something far better.

Still in the Process

I’m not fully rewired yet. I still feel the hum sometimes. The old patterns still try to stir.

But they don’t own me. They don’t define me.

And more than ever, I trust where this road is leading.

Because the further I go, the more I see—this longing isn’t meant to be suppressed. It’s meant to be redeemed.

Not in eroticized connection. Not in longing for a brother to fill something in me.

But in the kind of pure, deep, Christ-centered brotherhood that was God’s design all along.

I don’t know exactly what it looks like to be fully on the other side of this process. But I know this:

I’m getting there.

And what I’ve already tasted of the real thing? It’s already better than what I thought I wanted.